Love is Like a Mountain

I watched the butterfly dance across the field, it’s so free, so free. The sun setting in the sky was an enormous orange ball of fire. Don’t go sun, stay, please stay. The nighttime is my worst enemy. The dreaded pain would slowly creep back in stealing my sleep like a thief in the night. I drank in the sun as a strong wind whistled through the trees. I lie back in the soft grass, my long, dark hair partially covering my face. How long had it been this way? I can’t remember anymore. I can’t believe I had cut it short and dyed it blonde that time. You look so sexy, Tony kept telling me. I had hated it. Ah, this place. This is where Keith and I used to come to be together. I love him still, I thought. But do I really love him, or just the idea of him? This question plagues me to no end. No one could have ever loved me more than he did. I didn’t realize this until it was too late. Just then two white-tailed deer, a doe and a fawn, meandered into the field and were quietly grazing on their evening meal. It was a welcome break to watch them and not have to think.

I never want to leave this place, never. High up above the rest of the world -- quiet, peaceful, private. This had been our escape, our refuge. The one place in the world I felt safe. I let the memories wash over me remembering Keith’s touch, his kiss. Oh God, had I done the right thing? Sometimes feelings and circumstances take over our lives and what we thought we could control we cannot. No matter how much we try to plan our lives, sometimes things just don’t turn out that way. Is there a God? There must be a God. Just look around. That butterfly, the sun, the colors of flowers and yes, love, proves there is a God. Then where is the great spirit in the sky? Why are we here? Why does life feel like a never-ending exam that I didn’t study for? I want to cry, get it all out, but the tears have all dried up. I have done my share of crying. Nothing left to do but think, and reflect on what has transpired in my life lately.

Tony could be a mean son-of-a-bitch when he was in a shitty mood. But boy when he wanted something, wanted me, he knew how to turn on the charm. When we first got married things were pretty good for a while, but then Tony had become obsessed with his career -- a car salesman for Chrissake. But he had to be the best, put in the most hours, and make the most sales. I guess it paid off because he worked his way up to VP. We had a nice house, a couple of cars, lots of parties and socializing, but something was missing. Somewhere along the way we had forgotten about us. The world is a fast-paced race, and people are always running. And it certainly wasn’t a fair place, I had learned that very early on as a child. I feel like I’ve gone through life with my ankles tied together. How can you run if you keep falling?

I can still remember him coming home high off a good night at "the lot" as we used to call it. "Hey Sarah, baby, where are ya? Come here sweetcakes, I got some good news tonight." It didn’t matter if I was in the mood or not, if Tony was that was all that mattered. Tony started working more and more hours, at least that’s what he said. At any rate, he wasn’t home much and I started getting a little bored, feeling a little too insignificant. And then as suddenly as he had left, Keith strolled back into my life.

I hadn’t seen him since that summer we had been together. It was the summer after we had graduated high school. We had been in the same circle of friends for years and hung out all the time. But that summer, something changed. My feelings toward him shifted and I caught myself thinking about being with him more and more. I thought he had changed the way he acted toward me too. Keith had always been a bit of a flirt, but it seemed that a constant teasing game was always going on between the two of us. Keith was that way with a lot of the girls. And girls didn’t mind flirting with him, he was a looker. Thick dark hair – the kind you like to run your hands through, handsome face with those bright blue eyes and cute ass – he had it all. But what I loved most were his eyes…so beautiful, so intense…I could just lose myself in them and shut everything else out. I remember that first night we were together like it was yesterday. My friend Stacy had a party at her place that night and I had gotten pretty lit. By the end of the night I felt magnetized to Keith. We were sitting near one another and I kept putting my hand on his leg every time he told a joke. I couldn’t help myself. When almost everyone had left he put his arms around me and kissed me. We looked at one another and smiled. I’m sure I blushed.

"What?" he had asked smirking.

"What you do that for?"

"Cause you wanted me to."

"Oh? I said that?"

"You didn’t have to."

We kissed for what seemed like hours and a heartbeat of a second at the same time, then he grabbed my hand and pulled me down the hall. We found an empty room and went in and closed the door. He ran his fingers through my hair, stroked my cheek.

"I’ve been wanting to do this for the longest time," he told me.

"Me too," I admitted. The kissing turned into him touching me in places I’d only dreamt about, but then I realized I didn’t want it to happen this way.

"Listen," I had said, "let’s wait. Let’s not do this right now. We’re both drunk and I don’t know how Stacy would feel about this. I mean this is her place."

"C’mon, who cares," he had said. It’s you and me, isn’t that what you want? You’re so beautiful right now, how do you expect me to stop kissing you?" I melted. I kissed him and then some.

All that summer we were together, hot and heavy. I felt I had the best of both worlds. We were great friends, had fun together and the sex was fantastic. We would make love for hours forgetting about everything else in the world or we could just sit and talk for hours. We knew everything about each other there was to know. I remember the night we were up on this very cliff, the highest point in town, "our spot". We were lying right here looking up at the stars. It was a beautiful night. The moon was high and full in the sky and there were more stars than we could count. We had just made love, but Keith went somewhere inside his head where I couldn’t follow.

"Whatcha thinking?"

"Oh, I don’t know. Lots of things."
"Tell me."

"I’m wondering what life is all about. Up here it’s so different, being with you. But down there…there’s sickness, children hurting, people starving. It’s really overwhelming if you think about it."

"Only if you let it get to you. You have to take what makes you happy in this life and focus on that. And, if you can do something to help the other things get better -- then great."

"But that’s just it. There’s no helping this world. Look at our history. Do you think people are suddenly going to change?"

"No, but we can learn from our mistakes, make things better. You take the world on your shoulders Keith. You shouldn’t do that. You can’t solve the world’s problems."
"Yeah, I know."

"Would it help if I told you how much I love you? What a great person I think you are." Up until this point we had avoided any mention of the word love. I had wanted to tell him a million times. I wanted to scream it when we made love, but he hadn’t said it and I didn’t want to be the first one to say it.

"Oh God Sarah, don’t say it."
"Why not? What’s wrong with me loving you?"

"Nothing’s wrong with it of course, it’s just that…"

"What, you don’t love me? Is that it? What am I to you?"

"I didn’t say that. But if you tell someone you love them it’s opening up a whole other avenue. The risk of being hurt is too great. Nothing lasts forever you know."

"How can you say that? If you love someone, really love them, why can’t that feeling last forever."

"Maybe it can, but this world is fucked up. Lots of other shit gets in the way and then you lose touch with how you really feel."

"Oh, I get it. Let’s just drop it. Forget I said anything. Forget I said IT."

"Babe, I’m honored that you love me. I’m lucky to have a girl like you, I know that. I just can’t go there right now."

"Hey, it’s cool, whatever." I had got up to leave at that point and he grabbed me and kissed me so passionately and then looked into my eyes. I saw it there. He loved me too, he just couldn’t or wouldn’t say it.

Things were ok after that. We never talked about it again and I didn’t tell him I loved him anymore, although I knew I did more than I knew anything else. To love a person is to accept them fully and completely, unconditionally. Maybe Keith just couldn’t feel that way about me. But when we were together, it felt so right. It felt like we were in love. I thought I had been in love once, but I really didn’t know what love was until the force of my emotion for Keith. It was so strong, so pure that I couldn’t imagine anything being able to destroy it. But by the end of the summer Keith began to pull away from me. It scared me, it scared me more than anything else I’ve ever felt. I felt like a part of me was disappearing, dying. I remember the night, that very sad and final night, which was so very painful for me. We were at his house because his parents had gone out. We had just made love and something about it didn’t feel quite right, it felt forced, like we felt we were supposed to be doing this. Our hearts were not in it. I couldn’t take it anymore, I had to know what was up.

"Hey, what’s wrong with you lately?" I wanted to know.

"What do you mean?" he answered without looking at me.

"You’ve been really cold to me lately and I want to know what’s up."

"Listen Sarah, in two weeks we’re both going away to school. Do you think we’re going to be able to keep up a long-distance relationship? You’re kidding yourself if you are."

I was devastated. I couldn’t believe what he was saying. I sat stunned for a minute, then I got enraged. "So that’s it. Fuck me all summer and now it’s over because I won’t be convenient anymore?" I was sorry as soon as I said it.
"That’s not fair." he said very evenly which annoyed me all the more. I looked at him with all the raw hurt I was feeling at that moment. He continued, "Don’t you think I care about you? I do! But I’m trying to be realistic – you should too."

"You want a dose of reality. Well here’s mine. I happen to be crazy about you. I don’t give a shit if I’m going away to school. I’d find a way to see you, be with you. How can it be so easy for you to say good-bye?"

"It’s not easy babe! But I think it’s better this way. And it’s not good-bye. If we finish school and we still have feelings for each other, then we’ll know it’s meant to be. We’ll be together then. But Sarah, no matter what happens I always want us to be good friends, close like we are now."

"Don’t pull that friends shit on me. You forget how well I know you. You want to go fuckin’ party and screw girls left and right. I’m not stupid ya know. Well fine! Because I’ll be having my own fun too. Friends? Friends! It’s a little late for that don’t you think!" I screamed. I ran to the door, slammed it and ran to my car.

Keith chased me outside. "Please babe, let’s not end it like this! You know how much I care about you! We’ll keep in touch. I don’t want to lose you completely!"

I looked at him in disgust. "Care about me? What do you know about caring? Don’t you know you’re killing me right now? You can’t have your fucking cake and eat it too Keith. Have a great life." I drove off.

That first year at school I received dozens of poems from him, cards at the holidays and a birthday gift. He had gotten me an Irish Claddah friendship ring. How could he expect me to wear that? Every time I saw something in the mail with his return address on it my heart skipped a beat. I would tear it open hungrily and devour any bit of emotion I could from what he said. He still cared about me, he really did he said, he wanted to know how I was doing, how school was, how’s the family and on and on as if he didn’t just rip my heart out and throw it in the street. I never answered his letters. Instead I poured myself into my studies and got involved in as many activities as I could. I wrote for the school newspaper, was on several committees and partied my ass off on the weekends.

Then in my second year I had met Tony. He was so different from Keith. Keith had been so passionate, so romantic, but so intense. Tony was fun to be around and simple. What you saw is what you got. Or so I thought. To hell with all those deep feelings, I’m going to have me some fun, I thought. So Tony and I dated on and off for a while. Then things started to take a turn. He started telling me that he loved me, wanted to be with me. Make me his wife. These feelings scared me so I began to push him away. But slowly Tony began to soften my heart. At last I gave in and we began sleeping together and inevitably I got sucked in.

We married shortly after we graduated and I thought I had put Keith out of I mind. I heard about him from time to time from our mutual friends, but I avoided going to any of our friends’ parties I thought he might attend.

Two years after Tony and I got married is when things started to go down hill. It was little things at first, but it got worse. Whenever Tony was running late up at the lot, he’d call. But it got to the point that he was running late every night, so he stopped calling. I would come home from a long day at the magazine and sit alone and eat Lean Cuisines and read a book or watch TV. I loved my job, writing feature articles for a health magazine. All those years of school had finally paid off. I couldn’t believe that someone actually paid me to do something I loved to do. But it wasn’t enough to sustain me. My loneliness was starting to get to me.

Tony would come home and tell me "You know I’m doing this for us, I want us to have everything we want."

"I want a relationship with my husband. What about us?" I’d ask.

"Give it time, things will be less hectic in time." When would that time come I wondered. Somewhere in the back of my mind I heard those words Keith had said, shit gets in the way.

When Stacy got married I knew Keith was going to be there. I was nervous about seeing him, but there was no pull on my heartstrings. I did want to look my best, however, and really make him miss what he had tossed aside. I’d be clinging to Tony too. And Tony was really handsome. He was tall, built and his tanned-skin made him look even sexier in his Armani suit. Stacy had asked me to be her maid-of-honor. The wedding dresses were a deep crimson color, low-cut in the front and just over the knee. Stacy did not want anything about her wedding to be "traditional".

When we went to our final fitting Stacy pulled me aside. "You know Keith is going to be there," she told me with a worried look. "He and Petey are still good friends and he’s invited."

"Yeah, I figured. It’s no big deal. It’ll be fine," I told Stacy giving her a knowing smile.

My best friend’s big day finally arrived and I was really excited. In the back of my mind I was anxious too, but mostly I was excited for her. We were getting ready to leave for the church. "You look beautiful," Tony told me.

"Yeah? Thanks. You haven’t told me that in a long time."
"Well then I’ll have to tell you more often," he said kissing me on the lips. He could be so sweet when he wanted to be. "You look quite handsome yourself." I smiled.

As soon as we got out of the church my eyes began to skim over the crowd. I didn’t see him. Good, I thought, I could use a drink first. In the reception hall, I danced with one of Stacy’s brothers smiling at Tony over his shoulder. I didn’t want to provoke one of his jealous fits. As soon as the song was over Tony was off his feet sweeping me across the dance floor.

"You’re the most beautiful woman here," he whispered in my ear. I pulled him closer but couldn’t help scanning the room for Keith. I wonder what he looks like, I thought to myself. Would he look the same? Who would his date be? Would she be prettier than me? Then my heart stopped. I saw him sitting at a table across the room by the bar leaning over and laughing with some of the guys. He looks so happy, I thought, he hasn’t changed a bit. A tall, long-legged blonde stood next to him looking bored. I’ll have to go over and say hello, be the bigger person. I knew it would be uncomfortable, but I’d do it. Introduce him to Tony. Tony didn’t know anything about my history with Keith and I preferred it stay that way.

"I need a drink, let’s head over to the bar." I got a drink and glanced over at the table. He looked up and our eyes locked. For a moment I froze, just froze. Then I recovered and smiled. "I want you to meet someone Tony."

He got up and stretched out his arms, "Sarah, how are you?" he said hugging me. "You look terrific!"

"Hi Keith, I’m fine. Oh, thanks," I told him. I turned toward Tony, "This is my husband Tony, Tony this is an old friend from high school, Keith."

"This is my friend Lisa," he said turning to the girl with the long blonde hair. We all shook hands and exchanged the usual "nice to meet you." Friend, I thought?

"So, what’s new?" he wanted to know.

"Oh, God, I don’t know. Well, I got married two years ago after graduating NYU and I’ve been writing for a magazine for a while now. And you?"

"Yeah I heard, good for you. Me? I’m working at an ad agency in the city. Putting my creative talents to some use I guess."

"Did any of your work end up getting published?"

"No. I don’t care about any of that anymore. I just write for myself now."

"That’s cool. Well, nice to see ya’."
"Yeah, you too."

I turned my back and grabbed Tony’s arm. I took a deep breath and said I needed to use the ladies’ room. My heart was pounding and even though I hadn’t smoked in over three years, at that moment I sure could have used a cigarette. Why had I gotten so nervous? We were so young when we were together, it meant nothing now. But I knew that was a lie. It had meant a lot.

When I got back they were playing a slow dance tune and Tony and I went back out on the dance floor. As we slowly turned to the music I caught Keith looking at me. Our eyes met for a moment and he looked away. Ha! I thought. See, you think I’m happy. You gave it all up, this coulda been you. But I’m not so happy Keith, I’m not. I’m on a roller coaster ride, I thought. Today the loving husband, tomorrow the inattentive, nasty one. The song came to an end and Tony kissed my forehead. Just then I saw Keith coming our way. Oh my God, he’s coming over here! He’s not going to ask me to dance is he? What will Tony think? Before I could think about it any further he was tapping Tony on the arm.

"Tony, do you mind if I have one dance with your wife?" he said it with such a heart-warming smile that it made him seem harmless.

"Uh, ok, sure." That was the first time I had heard Tony sound so uncertain about anything.

"Do you mind hon?" I asked grabbing his hand.

"No, go ahead," he told me, "I could use a drink anyway."

Keith grabbed my hand and we began to move to the music. I was sure to stay prom- dance-your-parents-are-watching distance away. I chattered on nervously about this and that until the music just about stopped. But just before it did he looked at me and said, "You are so beautiful Sarah, inside and out. I was a fool, a fool." And he kissed my hand and walked away. Oh my God! Act natural, be calm. But inside I was melting. The wall I had put up to shut out Keith Garrison just cracked. I turned and walked back to Tony.

"Hey hon," I said trying to sound natural.

"You looked good out there. Hey, was there ever anything between you and that guy?"

"You mean in high school? No, we were just good friends. I haven’t seen him since then."

The rest of the night went well and I had never seen Stacy look happier.

"You’re glowing," I told her in the ladies’ room. "You look like a princess. I’m so happy for you!" I said squeezing her.

"Thanks sweetie, I am so happy. And you? You doing ok?"

"Oh yeah, I’m fine. Did you see my big dance with Keith?"

"No! You danced with him?"
"Yeah, it was no big deal."
"What did Tony say?"

"Nothing, surprisingly."
"How was it?"

"Weird. I was nervous. But anyhow, we’re having a great time! Everything is beautiful, the food is great, the band, everything."

"Thanks hon. You helped me plan it!" We hugged again and left the ladies’ room.

Later on that night when we got up to our hotel room Tony slid his hands around my waist. "You looked so sexy tonight" he said unzipping the back of my dress.

"Oh yeah, well you looked pretty good yourself there Mr. Loreno." He began to kiss my neck. Yes, this is the attention I crave, I thought. But now was not the best time. My mind was on Keith. I imagined that it was Keith kissing my neck, that after Tony had fallen asleep I snuck out of the room and stood on the veranda. He came to me. It was Keith’s arms around me, his kisses. "Mmmm," I whispered as he lowered my dress and we fell back onto the bed.

"I love you," he told me.

"Me too."

The next week at work I had a hard time concentrating. I kept thinking about Keith and letting all those old memories come back. My feelings for him came rushing back with a fury and hit me in the face like a tidal wave. I didn’t want to let those feelings surface, it hurt too much. Oh my God, I thought, what is my problem? I kept telling myself that this is just a resurgence of old, buried feelings and I know it will pass. What Keith and I had is gone and will stay buried forever. Then why can’t I get him out of my head? This is not good. On Wednesday my secretary told me a man named Keith was on the phone and wanted to speak with me. I felt my face go white.

"Do you want to take the call?" she asked.

"Yeah, I’ll take it. Close the door and hold all other calls, ok?"

"You got it."

"Hello, this is Sarah Loreno."

"Hey Sarah, this is Keith Garrison."

"Keith? Oh, hi. What’s up?"

"Sorry for calling you at work, but I’m in town for a while and I thought maybe we could do lunch, you know, catch up on old times."

"Oh, I don’t know, my schedule’s pretty tight. When did you have in mind?"
"What are you doing today?"

"Hold on, let me check my calendar." I put him on hold and got up and paced the room. Oh God, what am I going to do now? I can’t see him now with these thoughts I’ve been having. He’ll read it all over my face. But the urge to see him again was strong. Maybe if I see him, I told myself, I can’t wash these old feelings right out and get it over with.

"Um, ok. How about 1:00?"

"Great. Want to meet me at the diner in town?"

"Sounds good, see you then."

I was glad I had worn my black dress with a string of white pearls that day. It was simple, but very pretty and it showed off my legs. I walked into the diner and I saw him already at a table. He waved me over. When I got to the table he got up and kissed me on the cheek. This is too weird, I thought.

"You look great as usual," he told me with a big smile.

"Oh thanks. So, how long are you in town for?"

"A couple of weeks. Seeing old friends, spending some time with my family."

"Oh, that’s nice. So where did you meet your girlfriend, is it Lisa?"
"Lisa? She’s just a friend. She was doing me a favor being my date. We used to work together. So, you have any kids?"
"No, not yet. Eventually I guess. It never seems to feel like the right time. We both put in a lot of hours at work. I don’t know if we have time for kids, at least not right now. What about you, you never got married?"

Just then the waitress came over to take our order. I couldn’t imagine how I was going to eat. "Just a house salad for me, and diet coke."

"Still eat like a bird, huh? I’ll take a cheeseburger and an order of fries. Large coke."

"Me? No. Came close once about a year or so ago, but that would have been a big mistake. You know, there are so many times I wanted to call you, see you. Especially once school was over. But I knew through Stacy and Petey that you wanted nothing to do with me, so I stayed away. Do you really hate me that much?"

I laughed. "Hate you? No. Hate is a strong word. I’m not denying that I may have felt something close to hate for a while, but I was more hurt than anything. Besides, that’s all in the past."

"I am so sorry Sarah. I was young. I didn’t know what I wanted. Like I told you, I was a fool." We sat in silence for a moment. He smiled at me. I blushed and looked away.

"So Tony seems like a nice guy. You seem happy together. I’m glad for you Sarah."

"Yeah, he can be when he wants to. Things aren’t always what they seem." Why am I saying this? Let him think you’re happy. What are you doing? Don’t play with fire, a little voice told me.

"Oh? You’re not—splitting, are you?"

"Oh no, nothing like that, it’s just that…" My eyes filled up with tears. "I’d rather not talk about it."

"Of course, I didn’t mean to pry. I always wanted the best for you, I hope you know that." I couldn’t look at him.

"How’s your family Keith?" I said to change the subject.

"Well, my mom is doing well. My dad’s the same bastard he always was and Jeannie’s engaged."

"She is? Oh good for her. I can’t imagine that little girl in pigtails being engaged! So who’s the lucky guy?"

"Some guy she works with. The wedding’s next spring."

"And what about your family?"

"Oh, they’re ok. My mom’s been sick, one too many steaks and two packs of cigarettes a day for forty years will do it to you. I’m always on her about it, but even after the angioplasty she still doesn’t listen. But she is trying, I’ll give I that."

"I’m sorry to hear that. Tell her I wish her well."

"I will."

"And your father?"

"Same old, same old." I could feel myself tense up just at the mention of my father. "He calls me every couple of months and drops by with a gift around the holidays. He got remarried again, this one is nine years older than me! Yeah, Dad is a real winner."

"You should make your peace with him. You don’t want to wind up with any regrets."

"I have in a way. I no longer expect him to change and be some model father. He is who he is. When he’s around we do ok. He’s, well you know. It’s not worth going into."

Keith understood all too well what I had been through with my father. The drinking binges, the abuse my mother and I suffered at his hand, the mental anguish. He put his hand over mine and squeezed it slightly. I pulled my hand away. "So did your mom every remarry?" he asked.

"What are you kidding? My mom? She doesn’t believe in divorce. She still considers herself married to my father and that he is living in sin. It’s that good Catholic upbringing. I really feel sorry for her, she is very lonely."

"She is a good lady."

"Yes she is." We seemed to run out of things to say. We ate in silence for a few minutes. A thousand thoughts swirled in my head but I didn’t say anything for fear he’d be able to see through it. We filled the time by making small talk chatting about work. Finally I said, "Well, I’d better get back. Where’s our waitress?"

"Don’t worry about it, I’ll take care of it. You head back to the office. It was really great to see you."
"Yeah, you too."

"Maybe we can do this again?" I shook my head.

"Sorry, no can do. Take care of yourself Keith." I could feel his eyes on my all the way out the door.

* * *

That night all I could think about was Keith. I kept picturing his face and hearing his voice. I could barely eat my dinner. Of course, it was the one night Tony came home early. I just wanted to be alone.

"Tough day at work?" he asked me.

"Yeah, you could say that."

"Me too. How about we forget about our troubles for a little while?" he said approaching me and grabbed me around the waist.

"I’m sorry hon, I’m really tired. I don’t feel like it."

"When do you ever feel like it? Can’t a husband expect a little something from his wife?"

"That’s not fair! It’s fine when you want it, but when I don’t it’s a big deal. Maybe you should pencil me in on your schedule."

"You’re really too much."

"Besides I’m sure you don’t need me to get a little something."

"What’s that supposed to mean?"

"You know what it means. Do I have to spell it out?"

"I have no idea what you’re talking about!"

"Yeah, ok. Tony, I wasn’t born yesterday!" I screamed and walked out of the room.

"Well maybe I wouldn’t have to…oh forget it!"

Tony and I didn’t talk for days and we communicated our feelings through slamming doors and blaring music. A few nights later I stood out on the back deck of our house staring out at the pink and blue mixture stretched across the sky drinking a glass of my favorite Merlot. My head was jumbled with all sorts of thoughts and I was lost in them.

"Mind if I join you?" Tony’s voice startled me and I jumped.

"Jeez, don’t you know better than to sneak up on somebody?" I said it playfully and he put his arms around me.

"Tony, I’ve been thinking…I think it might be a good idea if we saw a marriage counselor." I held my breath because I wasn’t sure how he was going to react to the idea.

"A marriage counselor? For what?"

"For what? For us. We need to work on things. We haven’t been happy lately. Let’s be honest about this relationship for once."

"Who said I wasn’t happy?"

"Tony, please. I know you’re not happy. That’s why you’re… Listen, let’s not have this discussion right now. Just think about it. I’m going to look into it." He was silent. I tried to tell myself that maybe everything was going to work out.

The next day when I left work there was a purple rose under the wiper blade of my car. Oh, that Tony, I thought. He can be so sweet when he wants to make up. He even remembered my favorite flower. There was a folded note underneath it. It’s not like Tony to write me something, I thought. I opened the paper and my heart leapt into my stomach. It wasn’t Tony’s writing, it was Keith’s. My eyes quickly scanned it and then I read it again, slowly, savoring it.

Here is a rose for the love of my life.

I could not believe what I had just read. I began to cry and got in my car so no one would see me. I read the words again and again. Why is he doing this now? What am I going to do? How could this move me more than a thousand I love you’s from Tony? At that moment it felt like everything I had with Tony was a lie. Where was the deep, heartfelt emotion in our relationship? There had never been anything like the feelings coming off that page. I drove up to the cliff and I put my head in my hands and sat there for what seemed like hours thinking, just thinking. I really can’t handle this, I just can’t. What should I do? He opened up something in me I had buried long ago. Maybe I’ve been going through life with blinders on, closing myself off. Maybe I had never really let Tony in, I had just convinced myself that I had.

The next day at work I got the call I had both longed for and dreaded.

"A man named Keith is on line one," my secretary told me.

"Sarah Loreno," I said trying to steady my voice.

"Hey beautiful," Keith said, "did you get my little gift?"

"Yes." I didn’t know what else to say.

"Well say something. You’re too quiet, you’re only quiet when you’re upset. I’m sorry if I upset you."

"Keith, I’m a married woman. We’re not young lovers anymore. You can’t go around leaving flowers and love notes on my car."
"I’m sorry, I couldn’t help myself. I didn’t know how else to tell you that I still love you, have always loved you."

Tears ran down my cheeks. "Well you’re a little late, don’t you think?" I said as sarcastically as I could mutter but the last part ended up coming out muffled.

"I’m sorry babe, it’s just that…"

"Please don’t call me babe."
"Sorry…can we get together and talk, please?"

"I don’t think it would be a good idea."

"Please, just think about it? I’ll call you in a couple of days."

"I gotta go," I told him and hung up the phone.

All that week at work I suffered in silence. I refused to take any of Keith’s calls and was afraid to tell even Stacy about what was happening. The nerve of him, I thought. He thinks he can waltz back into my life and that I’m going to drop everything and be with him. Does he thinks he’s some kind of prince riding in on his white horse to rescue the poor lonely maiden? Well he’s wrong. He had his chance, I have made a life for myself, for better or worse.

Later on in the week I ended up at Stacy’s house pouring out my heart.

"You know Sarah, love is like climbing a mountain. It’s not always easy going and there’s pitfalls, but when you get to the top there’s nothing like it in the world."

"Well what if you get there and it’s not what you thought it would be?"

"Then maybe you climbed the wrong mountain."

"That’s what I’m afraid of."

We sat in silence for a moment. "Want another beer?"

"Sure, why not. I may as well." I opened the beer and let the coldness slide down my throat.

"Sarah, do you love Tony?"

"Of course I love him, I married him."

"That’s not a reason to love someone."

I sat lost in thought for a moment. "I did love him once, I mean I still love him, but I’m not so sure I’m in love with him."

"Oh God. It’s not anything you can’t work through, right?"

"I don’t know. But you know Tony. He can be so… I think he may be having an affair."
"An affair?!"

"Come on Stacy, I wasn’t born yesterday. I know he works hard, but he comes home late almost every night of the week, and then he supposedly ‘entertains’ the big wigs a couple times a month on the weekends. Shit."

"You’re jumping to conclusions because it’s easier for you to think there’s something going on."

"What? To justify what I’m feeling? No. I’ve thought this for a long time now."

"Maybe it’s my turn."

"Your turn? Is that what you want? To have an affair?"

"No. But maybe I want out. Maybe I want Keith."

"Oh God. Listen to what you’re saying."

"I know, I know."
"Just promise me you’ll think about this long and hard before you do anything, anything."

I smiled at my friend. We had been best friends since the first week of freshman year in high school. Stacy knew me better than anyone, even Tony. Stacy and I had been through everything together. "Don’t worry. My head is a little screwed up right now. I’ve got a lot of thinking to do. Thanks for listening."

"You don’t have to thank me."

"Not all friends are like you Stace." We hugged and I got up to go.
"Are you alright to drive."
"After two beers? I’m fine. I’m not that much of a lightweight you know."

"Oh, I know. I can remember a time when you could drink half the guys under the table."

"Yeah, a fact I’m not too proud of now."

"Everybody was scared to play you in quarters."

"Wimps." We laughed. I opened the door.

"Hey, Betty’s engagement party is next weekend. You’re going, right?"

"Yeah, I couldn’t miss that. But Tony is going to be at a conference. I’ll be going alone."

"Well, I heard through the grapevine that Keith is going. I thought you should know."

My heart did a summersault. "I don’t know how to feel about that."
"You’re a strong lady, you’ll do fine."

"Yeah, I like to think so. These days I’m not so sure. I’ll see ya."

"See ya."

* * *

The night of Betty’s engagement party I was a nervous wreck. I changed my dress three times. This one’s too sexy, forget it. This one doesn’t flatter me. Oh shit, what am I going to wear?. Then I found the perfect dress -- a casual plum dress with a slit up the side. It was just clingy enough to show off the hips and buns I had worked so hard for. Why am I trying to impress him? I kept asking myself. Watch yourself tonight girl, just watch it.

When I walked into the party he was already there. When he saw me his face lit up and he came over and kissed me on the cheek.

"I’m so glad you’re here. How ya’ doing?"

"Fine, I guess."

"Why didn’t you return any of my calls?"

"Keith, I can’t talk about this right now."

"Can we talk somewhere, privately?"

"I don’t think that is such a good idea."

"Please Sarah," One look in his eyes and I couldn’t say no.

"Alright, I’ll meet you outside in five minutes."

I stood outside looking at the brilliant light of the moon wondering what turn my life was taking. I wished I had a cigarette. What will I say to him? I thought. I’ll be strong, I’ll tell him to walk right back out that door he came in and went out so many years ago. Keith came out and grabbed my hand.

"Hi. Thanks for doing this."

"Please don’t touch me, if anyone sees us…"

"Sorry, couldn’t help it."

"Why are you doing this Keith?"

"I thought you understood why."
"What is and what shall never be," I said looking away.

"What’d you say?"

"Nothing."

"Don’t say never, you don’t know that."

"I do know that. I made a commitment to someone, in front of God, my family and my friends. I don’t break promises, not those kind of promises."

"Sarah, those are just rules that someone made up. What about how you feel? You’ve got to follow your heart. What does your heart say?"

"My heart? It’s not that simple. This is about what’s right and what’s wrong. This is about living with the choices you make. It’s about taking charge of your life and making things better."

"I understand what you’re saying, but you can’t help how you feel. You do feel something for me, don’t you?"

"I can’t answer that."

"Then you do."

"This conversation is over."

"Wait, please. I used to ride by your house in a taxi just to catch a glimpse of you. I did see you once. You were out pruning your rose bushes. Your hair was pulled back and you were wearing a T-shirt and these shorts that ...never mind." He looked away.

I looked at him in disbelief. "You’ve been spying on me?"

"Not spying. I just wanted to see you. But I could never get up the nerve to call or stop by."

"Oh God. This is crazy. I can’t handle this right now Keith. My head’s all confused. I really have to go."

"I’m so sorry babe…Sarah. You’re right. Maybe this is the wrong time, or maybe it’s all wrong. I blew it back then. Maybe this is my punishment, what I need to live with. Upsetting you this way is wrong." We stood in silence for a moment. My head told me to walk away, but my feet wouldn’t move. "I swear I won’t bother you anymore…but if you ever, ever change your mind I want you to know that I would not hesitate."

I kissed him on the cheek. "You’re a very sweet guy Keith. I’m sure you will find someone to make you happy. But it can’t be me. I’m really sorry."

"Me too, me too."

I turned and walked back into the house fighting the urge to turn and run into his arms.

* * *

A week later here I sit with this whole long sad tale in my head, wearing down my heart. I wish the voices would stop, I wish I could turn my brain off for a little while. I don’t want to make the same mistakes my father made, I’m nothing like him. Nothing. The echoed voices of the past continued.

"Sarah, it’s time to go to bed," my had mom told me that hellish night. It was the only night I actually saw my father hit my mother. There were plenty of mark and bruises to prove the other times, but she always denied it. Even a kid can figure out that you can’t be that much of a klutz. Dad had been out playing poker with the guys. We dreaded those nights because we knew how stinking drunk he would be when he got home. I knew, and I’m sure my mom knew, he was doing more than playing poker. When he came in he smelled like whiskey, tobacco and cheap perfume. The smell nauseated me when he came into my room and if I was still awake I’d pretend I was sleeping. He’d come in my room, breathing heavy and the odor penetrated my nostrils. I hated that smell. I always felt like he checked on me to make sure his property was in tact rather than out of fatherly concern. On that night, I wished him dead. Wished he had crashed his truck on the way home. Wished I had really been sleeping. Mom must have been sick of the whole thing by then because that was the night she confronted him.

"Daryl, where have you been? It’s one o’clock in the morning."
"You know where I’ve been Helen. I was playing poker with the guys." His words came out jumbled.

"Yeah, and then where’d ya go?"

"What’s that supposed to mean?"

"I want an answer."

"It’s none of your damn business."
"Oh yes it is, I’m your wife Daryl, and I really can’t take this anymore."

I snuck to the door and peeked out. Dad was sprawled in the armchair. Oh God Mom, just go to bed, leave him be. But she didn’t.

"Daryl?"

"What the hell do you want me to tell you? That I was off fucking some two-bit whore? Then ok, I was."
"Were you?"

"What do you care?" he snarled.

"What do I care? I’m your wife and you are doing the devil’s work. Let’s call Sam and see what time you left there." Mom picked up the phone but backed up when she saw him get up.

"What are you talking about bitch? Devil’s work? A man goes out for some drinks and he has to come home and hear this shit!" He came at her with a fury. I saw pure hatred on his face. My mother’s face turned white and I knew she was sorry she opened her mouth. I covered my mouth so my scream would not escape when I saw him grab the phone and whack it across the face. "Go to bed woman, leave me the fuck alone!" My mother fell to the floor, her face in her hands. When she got up I saw blood trickle from the side of her mouth. I ran out.

"Leave her alone! Leave her alone! "Mommy, mommy, are you ok?" I cried.

"Go to bed Sarah!" she warned.

"What did you do to Mommy?!

"Sarah, go, now!" my mother yelled. "I’m ok." But it was too late. My father pulled my by the hair and threw me into my room. I fell against the bedpost and felt a fire explode inside my chest. I crawled into bed and cried myself to sleep. I was so afraid that something even more terrible awaited my mother. But his anger dispersed for the moment, my father left things be. When the pain wouldn’t go away in my chest the next day my mother took me to the doctor. An x-ray revealed a slight fracture in one of my ribs. We told the doctor I had fallen at the playground. My hatred for my father was never greater than that night. I’m sure the doctor noticed my mother’s fat lip, but said nothing. Things were calmer after that, maybe my father even scared himself for the way he had hurt me. There had been beatings before, but never anything like that. It wasn’t long after that my father left us. It was almost a year before he tried to contact us. Asshole, I thought. And now he pretends to be Mr. Perfect with what’s her face. If she only knew. Maybe she did, people don’t change that much. Maybe that’s why he’s on his third marriage. I knew very little about my father’s life and preferred it that way.

As I sat there crazy thoughts ran through my head. Wouldn’t it be great to see the look on my father’s face if I drove off this cliff right now? And Tony too. That would teach them to fuck with people’s lives. But then I imagined how my mother would feel, and Stacy. The thought was tempting, but not something I could do. What am I going to do? Go home Sarah, I told myself, just go home.

I started the car and drove down the long road back to town. Back to where Tony would be if he was home yet. How did I end up with someone like my father? Was I my mother all over again? It wasn’t fair to compare Tony to my father, they were nothing alike. But he was doing the same thing to me, I thought, without the physical abuse. I drove through the utter darkness, tears blinding my way. It was too late when I saw the lights. Large, looming lights, a horn louder than anything I’ve ever heard before and then the impact. That’s the last thing I remember. The next thing I remember is waking up in a hospital room. Everything looked fuzzy, like I was looking through someone else’s glasses. I tried to gain focus, but nothing was clear.

"Where the hell am I?" I asked. It was my mother’s voice I heard. "Sarah honey, Sarah?"

"Mom?"
"How do you feel sweetheart?"

"Like shit."
"Am I in the hospital? What am I doing here?"

"You got hit by a truck coming down the mountain."
I couldn’t believe what I was hearing. Wait, the lights, the horn, oh my God. The dreams in my head had been nightmarish. "How long have I been out?"

"For a couple of days. We almost thought we lost you."

"Lost me?"
"Sarah, honey, you have some serious injuries." I dreaded to look down, but when I did I pulled the sheet back and saw most of my body was in bandages.

"How serious Mom?" I said beginning to cry.

"Well, you’ve been in a coma. But your legs, they got pinned…" my mother began to cry. She was never good at times of distress.

"Will I be able to -- walk?"

"We don’t know yet." My mother’s words rang in my ears. We don’t know yet? Not walk again? This can’t be happening. I saw a blurry vision of my mother, but enough to notice the tears streaming down her cheeks.

"Oh my God." It was too much to comprehend. "Where’s Tony?"

"He’s at work right now."

I looked at her in disbelief. "At work? Now?"

"Honey, he’s been by your side since you got here. Slept here and everything. He had to go in this morning. We should call him and tell him you’re out of the coma." My mother said picking up the phone.

"Tony Loreno please. Tony, it’s Helen, she’s out of the coma. I know you want to speak with her, hold on."

My mother held the phone to my ear. "Hi."

"Thank God Sarah. How you doing sweetie?"

"Oh, just peachy," I said through my tears.

"I’m sorry I couldn’t be there when you woke up, I’ll be there as soon as I can."

"Ok."

"I can’t believe I almost lost you. I love you Sarah."

"Me too."

"It’s good to have you back."

"I’m really tired. I’ll just see you later, ok?"

"Ok, see ya soon." My mother hung up the phone.

"Does everyone know."

"Yes. Look at all the flowers." For the first time I looked around the room. "The big spread is from the crew at the magazine. The red roses next to you are from Tony, the balloons are from Stacy and Petey and those purple roses are from Keith. He’s been here a few times."

"He has? Did Tony see him?"

"Yes. He was here with Stacy and Petey once, and once alone. I didn’t know you two still kept in touch."

"Yeah, well lately we have." With all the strength I had I forced my hands up to my face. There were bandages everywhere. "Oh God -- my face."

"Try to drink something Sarah. Take a sip of water." My mother put the cup to my lips but I choked on it. My vision started to clear and I could see that my mother looked like she’d been up for days.

"Can I see a mirror?"
"I don’t think that’s a good idea right now."

"Mom, give me a mirror."

"Sweetheart give yourself some time," my tried to persuade me.

"Mom," I said with a tone that told her I wouldn’t give up.

My mom pulled out her compact and held it up. I didn’t recognize the face in the mirror. A thick bandage covered my head, my eyes were red and swollen and there were cuts and bruises all over my face. "Oh God. It’s worse than I thought," I said crying even harder.

"Everything will heal in time."

"I’d be better off dead."

"Don’t say that!"

"Well why not, what kind of life is an ugly girl who can’t walk going to have?"

"Sarah, you need to rest." But my eyes were already closed. It was all just too much to absorb and I felt more tired than I ever had in my entire life. When I woke up Tony was there.

"Hi sweetie." He came by my bed and kissed me. "Sure have missed you."

"They say I might not walk."

"They don’t know anything right now. You’ll walk, I know you will."

"And my face, it’s horrible. Don’t look at me."

"The wounds will heal Sarah. Of course I want to look at you. I’ve been waiting to see you for days."

"Sorry about today. I’ll be here as much as I can, but there’s no one else who can do my job. The place was practically falling apart without me there."

"Yeah, I understand."

"It’s going to be a long recuperation process Sarah, you’re going to have to try and be patient." At that moment two of doctors walked in.

"Hi Sarah, I’m Dr. Middleton. I was the surgeon who performed your surgery."

"And I’m Dr. Gray, your neurologist."

"Surgery?"

"You had some internal bleeding that needed to be stopped. Nothing too serious, we were more worried about the head wounds. But you seem to be doing just fine now."

"I want you to start physical therapy in a couple of days. Do you feel up for that?" Dr. Gray asked.

"Right now I don’t feel like I’m up for anything. Just let me be. I’d rather be dead."

"Listen, I know this is hard for you, but your chances of making a full recovery are very good." I looked at Dr. Gray to read his face and he looked totally sincere. In this day and age doctors didn’t lie anyway, they were too afraid of lawsuits.

"We’ll start things off nice and easy. Just some stretching."

"Fine."

"Get some rest now and try to eat something, ok?"

"Ok."
"Thank you doctors," Tony told him. After he left Tony said, "That Dr. Gray is a good guy. He’s really been looking out for you. I’m going to have the nurses heat up your dinner."

Tony had to feed me because my arms were too sore and felt like rubber. I had a few spoonfuls of soup and a bite of jello. "This food tastes like shit."

"That’s my Sarah, now I know you’re back." I tried to smile but my face muscles hurt too much.

"What happened to my face?"

"When the windshield split it splattered all over your face."
"How did the accident happen?"

"A truck driver fell asleep at the wheel. He veered over into your lane. He hit you. Do you remember?"

"So it wasn’t my fault then?"

"No."

"I remember the lights, the horn, that’s it. How’s the truck driver?"

"He’s ok. Got some superficial wounds, nothing like you. He feels terrible. He came to see you earlier today and left some candy."

"How nice, just what I needed."

"Sarah, it’s ok to be upset, just try not to be bitter."

"Don’t fuckin’ lecture me right now, I don’t need it," I said through gritted teeth.

"I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to sound like I was lecturing you." Tony’s face softened.

"You should go home and get some rest."

"I don’t want to leave you."

"Really, I’ll be fine. I need some time alone."

"If you need anything, no matter what time, call me."

"I will." He kissed me and got up to go. "I love you,"

I couldn’t even manage to get out my "me too" that time. I felt so completely empty. I wanted to scream, hit something, or cry but nothing would come. I prayed for the first time in a long time and waited for sleep to rescue me.

I slept on and off through the evening. When I awoke it was dark and the stark white lights gave the room and eerie glow. I saw a figure in the corner and tried to focus on who it was.

"Hello Sarah." It was Keith’s voice.

"Keith?" He got up and came over to the bed and took my hand.

"Glad to have you back," he said smiling from ear to ear.

"You didn’t have to come." I turned my face away from him. He was the last person I wanted to see me looking like this.

"Of course I did. I’ve been worried sick about you."

"Well thanks I guess. And thanks for the flowers, they’re lovely."

"Least I could do."

"How are you feeling?" he asked with concern.

"How do you think I’m feeling?"
"You’re right, stupid question."

"I wish you wouldn’t look at me, I’m a monster."

"Don’t say that. As I told you, you’re beautiful inside and out, and you’re still beautiful."

"You’re so full of shit your eyes are turning brown." He laughed.

"I am not. I mean it. Besides, you’ll heal quicker than you can believe."

"Oh please. Spare me the optimism. Maybe my face will, but what about…" I pointed at my lifeless legs and began to cry.

"Oh Sarah, don’t worry, everything is going to work out, you’ll see," he put his head on my chest and just lay there and let me cry. He wiped my tears for me and got me some water.

"I really don’t want you to see me like this," I told him blowing my nose.

"I want to be here for you," he said squeezing my hand.

"What if Tony came in? What would he think?" I pulled my hand away.

"It’s midnight Sarah."
"Midnight? What are you doing here?"

"The nurse on duty is an old friend. Special privileges."

"Oh, I see."

"Why don’t you try and go back to sleep. I’ll stay with you until you do."

"You don’t have to do that."

"I want to do it." He took my hand again. "Now just relax, close your eyes. I bought you a Beethoven tape, thought you might find it soothing. Would you like me to play it?"

"You did? That was really sweet, you remembered it’s one of my favorites?"

Keith picked up a boom box he had brought, opened the tape and put it in. "Of course I did. There’s not much I don’t remember about you Sarah. I play our story over and over again in my head like a movie I can’t turn off."

I squeezed his hand. At that moment I realized how Keith must have been torturing himself over our break-up. I pitied him, I pitied us. Two souls floating around in the world, meant for one another but unable to fully connect. I fell asleep holding Keith’s hand listening to the sweet, dark melody of "Moonlight Sonata."

* * *

The following week they moved me to a rehab center and the days and weeks that passed there were some of the longest days of my life. By the end of third week I was able to stand on my own for a minute all the therapists clapped like I had done something really spectacular. I felt really stupid. I started to cry.

"Are you crying because you’re happy or sad?" Judy, my therapist, wanted to know. She was a lovely person and we were becoming good friends very quickly.

"I don’t know," I said laughing and crying at the same time. Just then my legs started to give out. She held me and steadied me.

"Why don’t we sit and try again in a little while."

"I don’t think so. I’d like to go back to my room."

"I understand. Tomorrow’s another day. You’re making tremendous progress Sarah, you’re doing really great!" Judy was perpetually upbeat and sometimes it got on my nerves. She was one of those people who always saw the glass half full and probably never had a problem in her life. But I admired her.

When I got back to my room Keith was there. "Hey, you look terrific!" He said kissing my cheek. The sunlight was streaming through the window highlighting the back of his head.

"Yeah right."

"You do."

"Thanks." Judy and Keith picked me up out of the wheel chair and sat me in an armchair.

"This lady just stood up on her own."

"You did?! That’s great Sarah," he said hugging me.

"It doesn’t mean I’ll walk again."

"Yes it does Sarah, oh yes it does." I looked at her and she was beaming. "And you keep telling yourself that too."

"I’ll try, I promise."

Keith and I chatted for a little while but I was exhausted and he knew it.

"I’m gonna let you get some rest. I’ll be up next weekend if you’re still here."

"I’m not going anywhere."

"We’ll see." He kissed me on the forehead and left. I tried to sleep but couldn’t help thinking about where Tony was right now. Keith had been driving up to see my on the weekends, usually after midnight. I did not want Tony to think anything was going on between us. And I didn’t think he couldn’t handle the idea of me having a male friend. He could be so jealous. The last month Keith had been such a great friend to me, very supportive. And I needed that. Tony had been supportive too, more so at first, and Stacy and my mom were my foundation. The first couple of weeks Tony had spent every evening with me, but the past week or so he had been working late and only came to see me a few times. I wonder if his girlfriend is starting to complain. Stop it, Sarah, just stop it, I told myself. Tony is busy preparing the house for my homecoming, which will hopefully be soon. There were ramps that needed to be installed and I needed a bedroom on the first floor. Tony was moving the office upstairs and making a small bedroom for me downstairs. We kept reminding ourselves that it was only temporary. Thinking about my future scared the hell out of me. I had always been so independent -- I couldn’t imagine having to depend on other people for everything. My mom was planning to be with me as long as I needed her. She said she was going to come over every day and prepare meals and keep the house tidy. Thank God for Mom because I’d be lucky if Tony knew where the pots were let alone figuring out how to make anything that didn’t go in the microwave. And then there was Keith. Where would this friendship go from here? How I could I possibly maintain a friendship with him when I would be under the same roof with Tony again? Well, I guess we’ll cross that bridge when we get to it.

The recovery was a long, slow haul. But at least the magazine had provided me with a laptop so I was able to continue my job and it kept me from losing my mind. It took several more weeks before I was ready to go home. But the day finally came. Tony, my mother and Stacy were all there. I walked to the car with a cane for support and everyone at my side ready for a sudden fall.

"You guys have to stop treating me like I’m a china doll. I’m ok, I can do this." They backed off. My mother got that hurt look on her face and I was sorry for being so testy.

When we got home Tony helped me out of the car and I slowly made my way up the path and then the ramp. It felt good to be home. I looked around our house with new eyes. Everything was so in place, it didn’t even looked lived in. But I found my new bedroom to be small yet comfortable.

"Are you sure you don’t want me to carry you upstairs?" he asked when we were getting ready to go to sleep.

"No, it’s ok. You’ll be leaving early in the morning and then how would I get down? Judy says I should be able to handle climbing stairs in about a month."

"I’ve missed you," Tony said holding me.

"Me too."

"Well ok then, good night," he said kissing me.

"Tony?"

"Yeah?"

"About the counseling…have you thought about it?"

"Sarah, let’s not get into it now."

"I need my life to get back to normal. I don’t know how we’re going to do that."

"We don’t need a counselor. Everything’s going to be fine." Somehow I didn’t believe him.

It felt really strange that first night not sleeping with Tony in our own house. But as time went on I got used to it. The loss of intimacy, however, was a real issue. Tony wanted to know when we’d be able to make love again. I thought maybe I could try, but right now I just wasn’t up for it. I was so afraid that everything might not be normal or it would be too awkward for me. But he persisted. After being home for a week I gave in. We made love and all my parts worked ok, but my heart wasn’t in it. I couldn’t help thinking about Tony pleasuring some other woman. I knew then that I didn’t love him anymore. I sensed that Tony felt it too and after a while he got tired of asking. We definitely needed to get to marriage counseling. My mind and heart were turning to Keith. I hadn’t seen him since I’d been home, but we talked on the phone a couple of times a week.

When the day arrived about a month later, I wasn’t surprised when Tony said we needed to talk.

"Sarah, something is not right between us. Ever since your accident you seem distant."

"You know what Tony, you’re right. But it has nothing to do with my accident. I had a lot of time to think when I was in the hospital and I’ve come to the conclusion that you are an asshole."

"What the hell is that supposed to mean? I’ve done everything I could for you. Before the accident and after."

"Everything you could for me? Where have you been Tony? All the late nights at the lot, the entertaining on the weekends…then I lie there in the hospital waiting for you and you manage to get up there three or four nights a week?"

"That’s not fair Sarah. You know how demanding my job is. I wanted to be there for you. I was there as much as I could."

"Yeah right. You were too busy off screwing your girlfriend, right?" His eyes widened when I said that. "Don’t try to deny it Tony, don’t even bother."

"Sarah, honey, it’s not what you think. It’s been hard for me. A man’s got to fulfill his needs. I’ve tried to be understanding, but I’m losing my patience."

"Don’t even try to blame this on the accident Tony. You’ve been cheating on me for a long time now. You are a fucking sleaze. I told you I wanted to go to counseling. I wanted to get it all out on the table. But you resisted. Did you think we could just sit here and live this lie? Did you think I was going to continue to be with you when I know you’re off screwing someone else." He just sat there and looked at me.

"Well say something for Chrissake!"

"What do you want me to do Sarah?"

"I don’t know. No, I do know. I want you to go. I want you out of this house."

"But how will you manage?" He actually looked concerned, but underneath it all I could sense his eagerness for his freedom.

"I’ll manage just fine. I have my mother, Stacy. Don’t worry about me. Not that you ever did," I looked at him with all the disgust I could muster.
"That’s not fair Sarah."

"Don’t you dare talk to me about what’s fair!"

"Well obviously you’ve made up your mind."

"Yes, I guess I have."

"I’ll leave tonight if that’s what you want"

"That’s what I want." Did I? I wasn’t so sure. My anger and frustration had taken over and I wasn’t sure what I felt anymore.

"I’ll be back for my things in a few days."

"Don’t let the door hit you in the ass."

I cried hysterically after he left. What had I done? I just ended my marriage. Did I give us enough of a chance to work things out? He sure as hell didn’t. Oh, what an idiot I’ve been! Maybe if we talked about it sooner we could have worked things out. But I tried, didn’t I. But it’s too late now. Our love is dead; there is no reviving it. I felt like my life was over. But maybe it’s just beginning.

The first few days without Tony were hell. I kept second-guessing myself, what I said. It was difficult to make sense of it all. Again, my thoughts kept turning to Keith. It was hard to admit, but I know I love him, have always loved him. I felt like I needed him more than a river needs a place to flow. I was afraid to call him because I didn’t trust myself for what I might say. I didn’t have to. He called me that weekend.

"Hey, how are you?" I hear the smile in his words.

"Well, things could be better I guess."

"What’s the matter? You sound upset." Keith said.

"He left me Keith, well I told him to get out."

"Are you serious? He’s an ass. You confronted him then?"

"Yes."

"Good for you. And good riddance. He doesn’t deserve you." Just hearing the conviction in his voice made me feel a little better.

"I know you’re right, but it doesn’t make things any easier. What am I doing to do?"

"Sarah, in time you’ll see it’s the right thing. Time heals all wounds, well maybe not all of them." I knew what he meant.

"I hope you’re right."

"I am, you’ll see." We sat in silence for a moment.

"I want to thank you, for everything."

"You don’t have to thank me.

"No, I do. You’ve been a great friend to me Keith. I miss seeing you -- it’s been weeks." "I miss you too. Do you think you’re ready to venture out yet?"

"I don’t know. Yeah, I guess." Right then I wasn’t sure about anything.
"I’d like to take you out for dinner. It’ll do you good."

"You’re probably right."

"How’s tomorrow night, around 7:00?"

"Sounds good." And I somehow I knew that in time everything was going to be just fine.